hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
