apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
