Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You ruined the universe
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
