chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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