The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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