I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize