I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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