My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
