You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
