I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
