In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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