Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
