last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just invented taco cereal.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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