I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
