she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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