Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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