I'm so fucking centered right now
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
