Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
