u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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