it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
