They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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