he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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