I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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