remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
