i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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