You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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