I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
