I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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