You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize