Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
