I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
