I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
