you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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