I wanna bring you to show and tell
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
