If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Of course I have a pirate flag
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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