He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The Olympian is in my bed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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