Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
