if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
