I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
