I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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