I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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