I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
