my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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