i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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