He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
