Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize