Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I am morally bankrupt
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize