i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
