Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
