Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
