Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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