I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
