you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
birth control should be required to get into college
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
