So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
