Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
