The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize