I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You pole danced in your parka.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
