the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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