oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
