somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
