You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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